10 things you may not know about me.

How predictable a “get to know me post”.  Well, I promise to try and not disappoint.  Since my whole, theme is to get personal with my audience and show you my perspective I thought what better way to give you an insight into my history.

1. My mother suffered her second stroke while I was in elementary School

I don’t remember much about what happened I was probably 9 or 10. I just recall my mother complaining about a migraine after dropping me off at school.  Then my father picking me up and letting me know she was in the hospital.My mother suffered her first stroke at age 18, leaving her partially paralyzed.  Although this fact is about my mother it’s also a major influence on the woman I am today.   Growing up with a disabled parent is humbling and eye opening.  It has made me more empathetic to others disabilities as well as inspired me.  My mother endured a lot but I never heard her complain.  Her strength to overcome the many obstacles she has faced has inspired me in many ways.

2. I suffered from post-partum depression after my second daughter was born.

After I had my youngest daughter 7 years ago I was diagnosed with post-partum depression.  During which time I had to fly out of state with both my kids, at the time 4 yrs and 3 mos to visit my father who was hospitalized.  It was a really rough time I tried medication although I really didn’t feel and impact and I quit therapy after 4 sessions.  Eventually, I felt much better anyway.

3. My father received a heart transplant while we were estranged for 5 years.

During my final year of high school, back in 2000 my father changed his phone number and cut me off.  I had no way of contacting him.  I later would find out after suffering two heart attacks he got bumped up on the donor list and received a heart transplant.  Then out of the blue, he reached out to my mother in 2005 to get ahold of me unaware I had already moved out on my own with my then boyfriend/future husband.  She provided my contact information and we never spoke of his reasons for not speaking time for years.  We picked up like nothing happen he immediately flew out to visit and meet my fiance and gave me away at my wedding.  I was just happy to have my Daddy back, he then passed away 8 years later so I’m blessed we were able to reconcile.

4. I love cats and dogs.

I’ve owned a total of 4 dogs in my lifetime and 9 cats.  My last job was a dog-friendly office however since I didn’t go bananas over every dog that set foot in the door I had the reputation for hating dogs especially since I was a cat owner.  However, it is possible to like both.  My lifestyle is just more conducive to being a cat owner.  I used to travel a lot and I”m rarely home.  When I did own dogs on my own they were very neglected.  So I opt for cats.  My girls have three cats and I took in a stray at my new place.

5. I had my first alcoholic beverage the moment I turned 21

I was vehemently against underage drinking,  I still am actually.  Neither one of my parents were drinkers so I was never even around alcohol.  So when I turned 21 I went to Vegas ordered my first drink, per the suggestion my boyfriend provided (a lemon drop) and to my dismay, I wasn’t even carded!

6. I have not met all of my siblings.

Although I am my mother’s only child I am 1 of 6 of my father’s kids.  I am his youngest.  Most of my life I grew up only knowing my sister who is now deceased, and two of the brothers. There are two other boys, one I met at my sisters funeral when I was 29 and there is another sister who was tragically murdered.  So when I’m asked how many siblings I have I always have to count it out in my head to remember.

7. One of my favourite bands is Aerosmith.

And my favourite song is “Dream On”. For some reason I’m expected to only enjoy Hip-Hop so this may or may not come as a shock but I love all kinds of music.  It has been a passion of mine for years and I’m just a sucker for a great guitar solo and riff.  A close second would be Nine Inch Nails, but is that really a band? Or Trent Reznor and his backup.

8. I studied music recording in junior college.

My first goal was to be an Intellectual Property Lawyer, ironic because I was a heavy user of Napster and Limewire.  When I first started college I was taking electronic music classes and engineering.  My college counsellor convinced me that there was no money to be made in music and to give up.

9. I prefer driving a manual shift car.

The first stick shift car I drove was my father’s 1995 Ford F-150 I only controlled the clutch while he changed the gears on a shifter that resembled the ones I see on the Muni buses.  When I finally got my license, my uncles, 1981 Volvo was passed on to me and it was a stick.  At that time I still didn’t know how to drive it.  Eventually, my boyfriend needed his car and told me if I didn’t learn to drive stick I wouldn’t be able to go to work  I learned in one day and since then I have owned 5 other stick shift cars. I aspire to one day drive on a race track.

10. I have a fear of swimming

I can’t swim.  Took lessons in elementary school but never learned.  However, during a trip to Key West I went snorkelling and long story short almost drowned my husband after I began panicking.  I was rushed out of the water and ever since then, I’m extremely afraid of large bodies of water.BONUS. I have a schizophrenic nephew.There is a history of mental illness in my family. My nephew was diagnosed with a learning disability at a young age and growing up I watched him struggle in school. Regularly bullied and victimized by others sometimes even adults and later in his early 20’s diagnosed with schizophrenia.It’s a very scary, debilitating disease. It has been very difficult to watch but it’s something that has taught me a lot. I’m more empathetic towards those suffering from mental illness. I also have zero tolerance for bullying, slut shaming and anything else with the sole purpose of making someone feel less than.

“Am I the perfect Mom?”

 

I was listening to one of my favorite Podcasts on the home from work today and I’m usually distracted however I heard the guest ask herself and answer:

“Am I the perfect Mom? No.  Am I trying to be? No.”

For some reason that resonated with me.  This totally sums up who I am.  At this stage of my life, I know a lot of Moms.  I would also describe my network of friends, colleagues, associates, and family as very diverse. Different races, cultures, financial and marital status complete opposite sides of the spectrum. As a result, I have come across all sorts of parenting styles and even though off the top of my head I cannot give the exact number of mothers I know, it’s quite a few.

For the most part, I think the majority have one thing in common, they never feel like they are doing enough or they put an insane amount of pressure on themselves to reach unrealistic expectations.  Which really can lead to all sorts of issues, unnecessary stress which affects your entire household, lower self-esteem and in extreme cases depression.  There is an effort to “keep up with the Joneses” and this compulsion to compare our lives to that of others.  It’s in our nature to do so, I remember once even my daughter mentioning how one of her friends travels a lot and I could sense she was envious.  So, of course, I felt a little guilty for not being able to take her on a dream vacation due to financial and time constraints.  However, I had to explain to her the logistics of that family are different.  Due to their different living situation, they are able to afford more extracurricular activities and I’m sure there are things your friend’s wish they had that you do but we are all different.  Even though I know this and I’m trying to explain to my 11-year-old who is usually very receptive, sometimes I have trouble grasping that concept.

Thanks to social media and our inherent fascination with voyeurism, we can now see the details of our peer’s most mundane activities as well as their version of “extravagance”.  Like most of you, I’m sure, I have scrolled my timeline and came across photos and thought “Wow, I wish I could do____.”  Aside from the perfectly posed, perfectly angled and lit selfies,  the one thing that stands out to me is how others spend time with their kids.

Nothing drives me crazier than hearing my kids tell me “I’m bored!”  When I was a kid yes I did this too, however, there was no internet, On-Demand TV or any of that.  So I do not pity my kids when they say this.  Nevertheless, there are so many things I’d like to experience with them on the other hand time or money can impact the ability to do so. Especially now with summer upon us I’m really feeling ‘timeline envy’ (is that a thing?).  I see so many family outings some it seems, they are in a different city every weekend. So not only do I have a little envy but, it’s “Am I doing enough?”, “Am I being selfish?” , “Is this bad parenting?”, “Are they deprived?”

Of course, it’s all perspective, because I have received comments in the past that we travel a lot and I never felt that way but gain perspective.  Or praise for the material things we acquired, by no means, did me or my ex ever feel like we had amassed any type of wealth. However, we do like things and we are pretty savvy about how we obtain them (more about that later.) So I have to snap out of and b3e grateful for what I do have and have achieved because there is always someone less fortunate.

So am I the perfect mom? No, not by any means. Quite frankly I’m definitely not trying.  I see other parents killing themselves to cater to their child’s every whim.  I have had so many disappointments at life, some even at the hands of my parents (I’m still waiting on the Paddington Bear you promised me Mom!) however that’s life.  I will definitely let others down as well especially my kids. Its hard yes but, I think harder on me than them.  Going through my transition I realized beyond all the trips, toys and fun activities my daughters really adore me.  I try very hard to mask my feelings but I know they can see when I’m in pain.  We always poke fun at my eldest and her lack of emotion but recently she’s made a point to ask me about my day, to urge me not to stress out and let me know she understands if I can’t do something for her.  She even started hiking with me even though she hated it because “I just want to spend time with your Mom. In relationships we make compromises.”  I may not be the “perfect Mom” but I am the perfect Mom to my girls and that’s more than enough for me.

There is nothin wrong with watching TV

… Or posting to Social Media, or taking selfies or not reading books.  Sorry, I’m sure a ton of people disagree but that’s what I believe and I know I’m right.

What is wrong is the assumption that if you don’t live by my standard something is wrong with you.

I personally enjoy the TV medium and I LOVE the movies.  Not the artsy fartsy indies but Action, Comedy (I hate rom-coms though) and I’m a fangirl for Marvel.  I also love TV and right now we are at a time where TV is amazing.  I’m obsessed with Game of Thrones, I loved Breaking Bad, The Wire, Law & Order the list goes on.  I’ve been guilty of going on a weekend bender binge-watching Netflix or On Demand shows and you know what?  I’m extremely smart, I’m somewhat active, I’m a great conversationalist and my brain is not fried.  Any time I hear someone respond to a question about their TV habits and they reply “Oh I don’t watch TV” as if it’s comparable to a gross smoking habit, I cringe.  I sense the judgment and feeling if they have a one up because they are too sophisticated, intelligent and well evolved to watch TV.  Like it’s beneath them.  Get off your high horse hunty!

Same goes for social media.  Look everyone has that friend who posts about 100 selfies per hour like you, I make fun of them.  Look there is nothing wrong with it, let them do as they please.  Or even the mere act of having a Facebook or Instagram page people sneer at.  There are plenty of intelligent, wonderful people on social media but, like most things, you will always have that one person who wants to challenge everything that they don’t deem appropriate.

Lastly, I refuse to feel bad about not reading.  I often tell myself I would like to explore the idea of reading a book for pleasure but again I’m not less of a person because I don’t do it.  I’m happy my daughter has a joy of reading it’s definitely going to increase her vocabulary and expand her mind, however, because someone else does not share the same joy she does they are not less than.

With the instant access to people and information via social media and our mobile devices, we are even more bombarded with comparing our lives to others and what they do.  There are a lot of things people do I completely disagree with but I genuinely try to not judge or criticize others for their choices.  Sometimes I admit I get very passionate about my beliefs and I will argue aggressively but at the end of the day I understand not everyone is right about everything like me, I know I feel sorry for those people but they will survive I promise.

Hey, I’ll be honest, I don’t have much else to say about the subject.  This is just one of my biggest pet peeves. So I will leave you with this NOT WATCHING TV DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON, likely more boring, not better and NOT HAVING ANY SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT MEAN YOU MASTERED ADULTING.

Rant over.

PS not having Starz! Is killing me I need to watch “Power”

“Why don’t you say it to my face?”

…. Or “I hate when people talk behind my back”, “I hate when people tell my business.” I can go on and on and on. First of all, I will include myself in the following statement… I have never met a person that has never told me the information I was not intended know nor someone who hasn’t gossipped on some level. We are human! It’s like steroids in baseball EVERYBODY’S DOING IT. So I say two things. Stop telling people your allegedly private most inner secrets and stop getting mad when you do and other people know your business. I have come to realize like my mother I’m social and I talk a lot and there is certain surface level information I may share about my life with select people knowing they will possibly tell someone else. As soon as the words leave my lips I already know, it’s out there I have no control. For this reason, I waited a year to tell most people about my impending now final divorce. There are still people finding out because I’ve gotten pretty good at controlling the information I hold. Let’s be honest it’s usually not that big of a deal. Maybe the possibility of being embarrassed mostly. Although there are exceptions to the rule. Often times we are vulnerable and we need to confide in someone and we may have misjudged the level of trust and now they have maliciously spread information that may have negative consequences. Sometimes we learn the hard way. But we learn and move on. I personally have been on both sides. I have experiences that were in both professional and personal settings. There are people that I know divulged information such as HR issues at work to members of a non-Management. Or I revealed something personal and it comes back to me. In almost all cases I have never confronted the person. Why? I hate confrontation but, mostly what’s done is done. I can’t undo what they said and quite frankly it’s a learning experience and I almost see it as me having the upper hand I now know who to trust without making this person put up a guard or begin behaving differently around me. It just gives me a brand new perspective. As far as the “talking behind the back” look don’t be as naive to assume any negative thought someone has about you is either going to be held in or tell you to your face. Especially those close to you. Most nice people like to spare your feelings. Plus in must scenarios, I doubt you’d want to hear it. It’s hurtful to hear what people really think about you but sometimes it can be a learning experience. Whether or not it’s true if it’s possible you can be perceived a certain way you don’t agree with, it’s an opportunity to change. Or if you are brave enough ask for feedback. As much as it’s hard to hear the awful truth it’s even harder for someone to tell you. Sometimes it’s not malicious it’s venting because maybe they are fed up with a behavior and just need an ear. The point is don’t get bent out of shape by what others do and what’s out of your control. Girl keeps it moving, live your best life and just do you boo! And if it’s really a secret keep it to yourself.

I think I’m a “People Pleaser” ?

I have way too much alone time these days. I get lost in my own thoughts even having debates in my head. Between living alone and going from one job where it felt like a social hour to my current IT job where my desk mates barely say 5 sentences to me outside of a scheduled meeting I’m left thinking and getting lost in my thoughts.
Today as I was reflecting on my past week, month, the year I realized two things, I really like helping others making them happy. Like I genuinely do. Which translates to I’m a people pleaser. I haven’t decided if this is good or bad, it’s just a fact at this point. It has its positives and negatives. I play very well with others. I seldom make enemies, it’s worked really well for me in the work environment. The other thing is I think I do this to ignore or take attention away from my stress, what’s bothering me or anything negative in my life.

If I had to guess, I’d say this is extremely common, perhaps more so in women. We are nurturers by nature. We want to take care of people. My ex-husband and I remain very close friends, I still vent to him about my problems and still yell at him when he provides a typical testosterone-fueled approach (I’m a glutton for punishment). He’s always been pretty ‘carefree’ and he simplifies things like ‘Just don’t be sad.’ Or ‘Just do___” or my favorite ‘I don’t know why people stress, I never do’. But somehow I end up lecturing him or telling him he needs to do this or that or sending him an article I found that could help him. Most recently it was my purchase of a Shark vacuum I was so excited about since I was swimming in cat hair in my apartment which was horrible for my allergies. Since he was lucky enough to keep all three of our cats I told him how he needs a new vacuum and how sweeping is so 90’s and lugged my vacuum to his house to demonstrate. He bought the vacuum and in turn convinced his father too… it’s AMAZING maybe I will do a review.
Anyway, the point is I’m obsessed with helping others whether it be product advice, sharing something that helped me, forwarding job postings to those who need any information I receive my first thought is who can benefit from this, that’s just how I function. Lately, however, I’m realizing I need to start slowing down, reflecting and taking my own advice. I recently had a mini-crisis and two people mentioned they can’t believe I have time to ask how they are doing or express concern for someone else. It never stops not even for my own issues.

I don’t think I will stop showing empathy for others and truly try to save the world one vacuum at a time, however, I do want to start accepting the empathy of others, advice, and help. I want to be less stubborn and less prideful. It’s a process. Overall I think being labeled a people pleaser isn’t the worst thing in the world, but sacrificing my own pleasure well I’m going to try and work on that.

The one where I try to mend a broken heart

It’s been 5 days, 16 hours, 33 mins since I received this text:I won’t go into detail about the events that took place during the past 5 days because well, it was a very low point. But to give an overview it included much-unanswered text. Me googling what happened to me finding an article that justified showing up unannounced and that’s just the beginning.

So I guess I’m that girl

They say you learn a lot about yourself and others when you are grieving a loss. No one died, my ego was murdered but I’m still living… Barely. But hope died and I did experience a great loss. The past few days I have told the story over and over to friends, co-workers, a new match on Tinder (I don’t learn from my mistakes) platonic male friends and my ex/husband, who by the way compared my behavior to the moments before Jodi Arias killed her ex-lover. I promise you I wasn’t that bad. However, there was a common theme. I was told he’s a loser, I dodged a bullet and my favorite ” you deserve better”. Do I? What do any of us “deserve”? Do I bear any responsibility? I refuse to believe I was bamboozled for the past year. Also, I’m usually not attracted to “losers” these are things your friends tell you to make you feel better. But why does no one tell you the truth? Or try to analyze what I could do better? The immediate reaction is to make me feel better. Understandable, I was truly broken. But the best response I had was from my friend of 20 years who read my blog and texted me that following morning: There is always the one person who keeps it 100, of course, she has my back and agreed he’s a🍆… However, maybe she is right. I won’t deny I’m stubborn, hence my struggle with accepting rejection. However, I was going through my divorce when I met him I was ok with being with a guy who would do no more than provide a physical relationship. But I realize that was never my end game. I was willing to accept what he was willing to give. That goes against every belief in my body. But I was lonely and had been long before my divorce began. I’m not the girl who commands a ton of male attention. No, I don’t think I’m ugly I just don’t get noticed perhaps. So this guy who seemed to be physically attracted to me was all I needed. Not what I wanted. She’s right. I want a relationship and despite our lack of labels, I had one. Not a healthy one. I adapted to what he wanted. It’s exactly what I did in my marriage. My ex-husbands’ interest became mine. We traveled with his friends I was his accessory for 16 years. Because I’m a pleaser. So why did I make the same mistakes? I thought I was the cool girl who won’t force him into a relationship and we are having fun. No, I caught feelings and I was waiting for him to come around. Another mistake. I stayed in a job too long waiting for them to come around and appreciate me. The end result, I quit and found something better. So I know better I know what’s wrong but once feelings get involved logic goes out the window. Anyway, I’m suffering a great loss. He gave me something to look forward to every week, made me feel sexy and we had fun I will miss that. He definitely handled things poorly but I don’t hate him because well we had a whole year together. He helped me during my transition from wife to being able to “put your hands up” to that great Beyonce theme. He taught me more about myself. I need to communicate my feelings better. I think I was scared of chasing him away but I think it would have been worth the risk. We shall see what the future holds.

“Is anyone good at dating?”

I honestly never dated. I met my husband at work and my high school boyfriends before that at work or school.  No guy has ever truly had to “court” me.   The first two years of my relationship we had two male roommates.  I was often the only girl around and although I’m girly and love pink and everything sweet I love a good dirty joke, dabbled in video games and drink beer and whiskey.  I often wonder although I dress like a girl, look like a girl, walk like a girl am I “girly” enough for the average guy.  I thought so but I’m pretty blunt and direct to the point.  I’m not sure this is attractive I’m not the “damsel in distress” type.  I’m guilty of making politically incorrect jokes and I hate most rom-coms.  Not that I ever want to be “saved” but is that what guys want? Has this behavior limited my dating pool?

I’m not good at dating.

I think I’m awkward.  I say what’s on my mind.  I don’t know the art that is “playing hard to get”.  I’m more of an ‘I like you so do you like me? Check yes or no.’

In my marriage, we were brutally honest with each other.  I’m sure on numerous occasions we had told the other they looked fat in a garment without the other even asking.  But I often wonder if I play these games, not really say what I mean would I get better results!

Is anyone good at dating?

I’d like to know please share your best dating tips.  How did you win over that 🔥 guy?

“Breaking up with your non-boyfriend is hard to do”

So I never thought I’d be the girl who’d fall for the guy who clearly was using me for pure physical pleasure and “catch feelings”.  But it happened and lasted for about a year.I met him on Tinder, he was one of the first guys I met after separating.  He seemed to be upfront and honest. Wasn’t looking for a relationship neither was I things moved quickly we became intimate and we saw each other pretty regularly.  Early on he was always “busy” with work I believed him because what other choice did I have.  I was usually the one texting daily about 20 time before getting a response (maybe a slight exaggeration) so the “relationship” if we could call it that, was strictly on his terms.  Ultimately I put up with never going on a date and only seeing each other at the wee hours of the night because the sex was amazing. Maybe it was a rebound thing but I also felt there might have been a connection, he was very passionate and I was always excited to spend what little time we had together.  He really was my first adult relationship other than my ex-husband.At one point he was really upset about seeing a photo of me and my ex-husband with my family on a trip to Reno and then seem to imply he had feelings and was falling for me. Which was confusing but exciting at the same time.  Confusing because I thought we were just “hooking up” or “friends with benefits” whatever the young people are calling it.  So then I let my guard down, was more vulnerable and open to the idea of a relationship.Upon my return, I ended communication with any other guy that had previously expressed interest in me.  The next time we saw each other he asked when my divorce would be final and seemed very anxious.  When I asked why he said so he could marry me, he even said he wanted me to meet his mother and how I should learn Spanish it was a lot.  But his behavior never changed.  After months we finally went to dinner and a movie but we were still limited to the occasional evening rendezvous.At one point he did a 180 re-declared his desire for a purely sexual relationship and reiterated he is not husband material, he was a mess and didn’t know what he wanted.  I decided to continue whatever we had going on and decided to wait it out.  I had no one else, I was starting to focus on “working on me” I really didn’t want to be distracted by a slew of awful Tinder dates and well, I’m human I have needs and figured I would continue to allow him to fulfill them.  Ignoring the question was I really prepared to be involved with someone and not have feelings at all.

I learned I am a horrible candidate for casual sex.

I just knew there was no denying the passion when we kissed the foreplay, but then after him “ghosting” me for the past two weeks.  I get a simple text:

“Sorry I can’t talk to you anymore”

I was completely caught off guard. I asked why he refused to say.  After over a year a text? Really?  Then he said he was staying in Nevada where he had been working and he met a girl.  For some time I suspected his time was divided not just by work but someone else. I’m not even sure if the girl is a real thing or this is a way to just get rid of me. All I know is for someone who is not my boyfriend why do I feel devastated by the idea I will never see him again.I once told someone I feel like a 19-year-old dating.  I never really dated and I haven’t been single since high school.  It was easy to give advice to friends regarding the poor decisions they made when dealing with men.  However, when it was me I purposefully and willingly ignored the signs.  If it were all to happen again I’d probably do the same.  It’s hard to not act on emotion, he said one thing but because of how he made me feel I chose to ignore what was being shown to me.  I was never girlfriend material I was just around for his enjoyment.  I don’t fault him for that I should have known myself better than that,  I couldn’t handle that role.So here’s to a clean slate.  As bad as it hurts, I’m sure some sort of lesson is to be learned.  I definitely learned something about myself today. Realistically I know I will probably be hurt again but, that’s life.  Maybe next time I will get dumped by a real boyfriend… the sky’s the limit!

“Conscious Uncoupling”

“What the f%@$ does that mean?”  That was my first initial response when I heard the news of Gwyneth Paltrow breaking up with her husband, Chirs Martin back in 2016.  The media had a field day with this one.   However, I never knew 2 years later my own divorce would be labeled as such by my friends and colleagues.

“You have a very good divorce”

That’s what a close friend of mine said to me just yesterday.  I don’t know about you but to most, that’s an oxymoron.

I met my now ex-husband working together at the now defunct ‘Good Guys’ and neither of us fit each other’s physical expectations (he was the oldest man I had ever been with, well the first man I had been with and I was the first black woman he dated) but, we connected very deeply on an intellectual level.  Despite my strong Christian upbringing and he a self-proclaimed atheist, we shared very similar morals (although as I got older that began to change, more about that later).  We were adamant about no babies out of wedlock divided on living together “in sin” but, eventually he won that battle.  For the most part, we had very similar beliefs or he was able to influence me and pull me to his side.

My dearly departed father was a womanizer to the core. So I’d like to say I learned from the best.  I avoided a lot of the behaviors he displayed and that has served me well.  This is relevant because my ex-husband was almost the complete opposite.  I think both of us coming from divorced families wanted to be better and have a successful marriage but also always knew that was a possibility.  Going into my marriage at the youthful age of 22 I always knew if things went wrong, no matter what I gained a lifelong friend and he would always have my back. There was NO WAY he would ever be a deadbeat father. Not because he told me what I wanted to hear. Because I truly knew his heart, mind and soul and what he was passionate about.  Sometimes we focus too much on the words, not the actions and not what makes a person tick.  The thought of an absentee father truly disgusts him and I knew he was someone who took great pride in how he presented himself to the public.

“There’s just one person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are.”

I don’t care who you are, how much money you do or don’t have.  How great your body is or isn’t.  How popular you are or aren’t, we all just want to be accepted.  Problem is do we really know what we want people to accept?  It seems we are all focused on making adjustments to who we are to fit a mold of what we think everyone else deems to be acceptable.  So how amazing it would feel to hear those words

“There’s just one person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are.”

If you are in your thirties or older, maybe someone has told you this.  That person’s name was probably Fred Rogers.  Yes, I saw “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” today with my 11-year-old daughter.  I was quickly transported back to a time when I lived at home, with both my parents and adult sister. That theme song branded into my memory.  Despite the apparent dysfunction of my family its memories like these that actually make miss those days.

One of the first things I thought, what a shame my girls did not grow up with this program in their life.  My youngest daughter, Isabella is growing up watching adults play pretend on their youtube channels.  I just may need to go on youtube and start making my girls some old episodes.  Anyway, the movie was great brought on many emotions but what really resonated with me, is there someone who really likes me the way I am?  I’m quite sure there is no one else like me, I get that but do I really feel that there is someone who really likes me the way I am.

I was married for 13 years, the day I received the court papers granting my divorce was also the 5-year anniversary for my father’s death.  Two people I presumed to like me the way I am, one dead the other just the relationship has died.

Divorce is a funny thing when it was final I didn’t make an announcement. People make wedding announcements but, what happens when you end the marriage. It’s interesting hearing the reactions, sometimes its congratulatory others empathetic.  If you ask me how I feel can change by the hour.  But back to the question at hand. I live with a man for about 16 years of my life at some point he decided this wasn’t going to work for him anymore.  Is it because he really didn’t like me the way I am?  Will anybody ever truly like me the way I am beside my children and my parents?

I don’t know.

In the latter part of the movie, they touch on a few people in media citing that Mr. Rogers is the reason my generation has a sense of entitlement.  That we were taught that we were all special, therefore didn’t have to work hard.  Now I think that’s completely absurd.  However, part of my journey navigating this new single life I’m trying to tell myself, it doesn’t matter.  So much stress, pain, and suffering has come from me worrying about how someone else feels or thinks of me.  So now I have the answer to who just likes me the way I am…

ME.