“Am I the perfect Mom?”

 

I was listening to one of my favorite Podcasts on the home from work today and I’m usually distracted however I heard the guest ask herself and answer:

“Am I the perfect Mom? No.  Am I trying to be? No.”

For some reason that resonated with me.  This totally sums up who I am.  At this stage of my life, I know a lot of Moms.  I would also describe my network of friends, colleagues, associates, and family as very diverse. Different races, cultures, financial and marital status complete opposite sides of the spectrum. As a result, I have come across all sorts of parenting styles and even though off the top of my head I cannot give the exact number of mothers I know, it’s quite a few.

For the most part, I think the majority have one thing in common, they never feel like they are doing enough or they put an insane amount of pressure on themselves to reach unrealistic expectations.  Which really can lead to all sorts of issues, unnecessary stress which affects your entire household, lower self-esteem and in extreme cases depression.  There is an effort to “keep up with the Joneses” and this compulsion to compare our lives to that of others.  It’s in our nature to do so, I remember once even my daughter mentioning how one of her friends travels a lot and I could sense she was envious.  So, of course, I felt a little guilty for not being able to take her on a dream vacation due to financial and time constraints.  However, I had to explain to her the logistics of that family are different.  Due to their different living situation, they are able to afford more extracurricular activities and I’m sure there are things your friend’s wish they had that you do but we are all different.  Even though I know this and I’m trying to explain to my 11-year-old who is usually very receptive, sometimes I have trouble grasping that concept.

Thanks to social media and our inherent fascination with voyeurism, we can now see the details of our peer’s most mundane activities as well as their version of “extravagance”.  Like most of you, I’m sure, I have scrolled my timeline and came across photos and thought “Wow, I wish I could do____.”  Aside from the perfectly posed, perfectly angled and lit selfies,  the one thing that stands out to me is how others spend time with their kids.

Nothing drives me crazier than hearing my kids tell me “I’m bored!”  When I was a kid yes I did this too, however, there was no internet, On-Demand TV or any of that.  So I do not pity my kids when they say this.  Nevertheless, there are so many things I’d like to experience with them on the other hand time or money can impact the ability to do so. Especially now with summer upon us I’m really feeling ‘timeline envy’ (is that a thing?).  I see so many family outings some it seems, they are in a different city every weekend. So not only do I have a little envy but, it’s “Am I doing enough?”, “Am I being selfish?” , “Is this bad parenting?”, “Are they deprived?”

Of course, it’s all perspective, because I have received comments in the past that we travel a lot and I never felt that way but gain perspective.  Or praise for the material things we acquired, by no means, did me or my ex ever feel like we had amassed any type of wealth. However, we do like things and we are pretty savvy about how we obtain them (more about that later.) So I have to snap out of and b3e grateful for what I do have and have achieved because there is always someone less fortunate.

So am I the perfect mom? No, not by any means. Quite frankly I’m definitely not trying.  I see other parents killing themselves to cater to their child’s every whim.  I have had so many disappointments at life, some even at the hands of my parents (I’m still waiting on the Paddington Bear you promised me Mom!) however that’s life.  I will definitely let others down as well especially my kids. Its hard yes but, I think harder on me than them.  Going through my transition I realized beyond all the trips, toys and fun activities my daughters really adore me.  I try very hard to mask my feelings but I know they can see when I’m in pain.  We always poke fun at my eldest and her lack of emotion but recently she’s made a point to ask me about my day, to urge me not to stress out and let me know she understands if I can’t do something for her.  She even started hiking with me even though she hated it because “I just want to spend time with your Mom. In relationships we make compromises.”  I may not be the “perfect Mom” but I am the perfect Mom to my girls and that’s more than enough for me.

“Why don’t you say it to my face?”

…. Or “I hate when people talk behind my back”, “I hate when people tell my business.” I can go on and on and on. First of all, I will include myself in the following statement… I have never met a person that has never told me the information I was not intended know nor someone who hasn’t gossipped on some level. We are human! It’s like steroids in baseball EVERYBODY’S DOING IT. So I say two things. Stop telling people your allegedly private most inner secrets and stop getting mad when you do and other people know your business. I have come to realize like my mother I’m social and I talk a lot and there is certain surface level information I may share about my life with select people knowing they will possibly tell someone else. As soon as the words leave my lips I already know, it’s out there I have no control. For this reason, I waited a year to tell most people about my impending now final divorce. There are still people finding out because I’ve gotten pretty good at controlling the information I hold. Let’s be honest it’s usually not that big of a deal. Maybe the possibility of being embarrassed mostly. Although there are exceptions to the rule. Often times we are vulnerable and we need to confide in someone and we may have misjudged the level of trust and now they have maliciously spread information that may have negative consequences. Sometimes we learn the hard way. But we learn and move on. I personally have been on both sides. I have experiences that were in both professional and personal settings. There are people that I know divulged information such as HR issues at work to members of a non-Management. Or I revealed something personal and it comes back to me. In almost all cases I have never confronted the person. Why? I hate confrontation but, mostly what’s done is done. I can’t undo what they said and quite frankly it’s a learning experience and I almost see it as me having the upper hand I now know who to trust without making this person put up a guard or begin behaving differently around me. It just gives me a brand new perspective. As far as the “talking behind the back” look don’t be as naive to assume any negative thought someone has about you is either going to be held in or tell you to your face. Especially those close to you. Most nice people like to spare your feelings. Plus in must scenarios, I doubt you’d want to hear it. It’s hurtful to hear what people really think about you but sometimes it can be a learning experience. Whether or not it’s true if it’s possible you can be perceived a certain way you don’t agree with, it’s an opportunity to change. Or if you are brave enough ask for feedback. As much as it’s hard to hear the awful truth it’s even harder for someone to tell you. Sometimes it’s not malicious it’s venting because maybe they are fed up with a behavior and just need an ear. The point is don’t get bent out of shape by what others do and what’s out of your control. Girl keeps it moving, live your best life and just do you boo! And if it’s really a secret keep it to yourself.