I think I’m a “People Pleaser” ?

I have way too much alone time these days. I get lost in my own thoughts even having debates in my head. Between living alone and going from one job where it felt like a social hour to my current IT job where my desk mates barely say 5 sentences to me outside of a scheduled meeting I’m left thinking and getting lost in my thoughts.
Today as I was reflecting on my past week, month, the year I realized two things, I really like helping others making them happy. Like I genuinely do. Which translates to I’m a people pleaser. I haven’t decided if this is good or bad, it’s just a fact at this point. It has its positives and negatives. I play very well with others. I seldom make enemies, it’s worked really well for me in the work environment. The other thing is I think I do this to ignore or take attention away from my stress, what’s bothering me or anything negative in my life.

If I had to guess, I’d say this is extremely common, perhaps more so in women. We are nurturers by nature. We want to take care of people. My ex-husband and I remain very close friends, I still vent to him about my problems and still yell at him when he provides a typical testosterone-fueled approach (I’m a glutton for punishment). He’s always been pretty ‘carefree’ and he simplifies things like ‘Just don’t be sad.’ Or ‘Just do___” or my favorite ‘I don’t know why people stress, I never do’. But somehow I end up lecturing him or telling him he needs to do this or that or sending him an article I found that could help him. Most recently it was my purchase of a Shark vacuum I was so excited about since I was swimming in cat hair in my apartment which was horrible for my allergies. Since he was lucky enough to keep all three of our cats I told him how he needs a new vacuum and how sweeping is so 90’s and lugged my vacuum to his house to demonstrate. He bought the vacuum and in turn convinced his father too… it’s AMAZING maybe I will do a review.
Anyway, the point is I’m obsessed with helping others whether it be product advice, sharing something that helped me, forwarding job postings to those who need any information I receive my first thought is who can benefit from this, that’s just how I function. Lately, however, I’m realizing I need to start slowing down, reflecting and taking my own advice. I recently had a mini-crisis and two people mentioned they can’t believe I have time to ask how they are doing or express concern for someone else. It never stops not even for my own issues.

I don’t think I will stop showing empathy for others and truly try to save the world one vacuum at a time, however, I do want to start accepting the empathy of others, advice, and help. I want to be less stubborn and less prideful. It’s a process. Overall I think being labeled a people pleaser isn’t the worst thing in the world, but sacrificing my own pleasure well I’m going to try and work on that.

“Conscious Uncoupling”

“What the f%@$ does that mean?”  That was my first initial response when I heard the news of Gwyneth Paltrow breaking up with her husband, Chirs Martin back in 2016.  The media had a field day with this one.   However, I never knew 2 years later my own divorce would be labeled as such by my friends and colleagues.

“You have a very good divorce”

That’s what a close friend of mine said to me just yesterday.  I don’t know about you but to most, that’s an oxymoron.

I met my now ex-husband working together at the now defunct ‘Good Guys’ and neither of us fit each other’s physical expectations (he was the oldest man I had ever been with, well the first man I had been with and I was the first black woman he dated) but, we connected very deeply on an intellectual level.  Despite my strong Christian upbringing and he a self-proclaimed atheist, we shared very similar morals (although as I got older that began to change, more about that later).  We were adamant about no babies out of wedlock divided on living together “in sin” but, eventually he won that battle.  For the most part, we had very similar beliefs or he was able to influence me and pull me to his side.

My dearly departed father was a womanizer to the core. So I’d like to say I learned from the best.  I avoided a lot of the behaviors he displayed and that has served me well.  This is relevant because my ex-husband was almost the complete opposite.  I think both of us coming from divorced families wanted to be better and have a successful marriage but also always knew that was a possibility.  Going into my marriage at the youthful age of 22 I always knew if things went wrong, no matter what I gained a lifelong friend and he would always have my back. There was NO WAY he would ever be a deadbeat father. Not because he told me what I wanted to hear. Because I truly knew his heart, mind and soul and what he was passionate about.  Sometimes we focus too much on the words, not the actions and not what makes a person tick.  The thought of an absentee father truly disgusts him and I knew he was someone who took great pride in how he presented himself to the public.