“Am I the perfect Mom?”

 

I was listening to one of my favorite Podcasts on the home from work today and I’m usually distracted however I heard the guest ask herself and answer:

“Am I the perfect Mom? No.  Am I trying to be? No.”

For some reason that resonated with me.  This totally sums up who I am.  At this stage of my life, I know a lot of Moms.  I would also describe my network of friends, colleagues, associates, and family as very diverse. Different races, cultures, financial and marital status complete opposite sides of the spectrum. As a result, I have come across all sorts of parenting styles and even though off the top of my head I cannot give the exact number of mothers I know, it’s quite a few.

For the most part, I think the majority have one thing in common, they never feel like they are doing enough or they put an insane amount of pressure on themselves to reach unrealistic expectations.  Which really can lead to all sorts of issues, unnecessary stress which affects your entire household, lower self-esteem and in extreme cases depression.  There is an effort to “keep up with the Joneses” and this compulsion to compare our lives to that of others.  It’s in our nature to do so, I remember once even my daughter mentioning how one of her friends travels a lot and I could sense she was envious.  So, of course, I felt a little guilty for not being able to take her on a dream vacation due to financial and time constraints.  However, I had to explain to her the logistics of that family are different.  Due to their different living situation, they are able to afford more extracurricular activities and I’m sure there are things your friend’s wish they had that you do but we are all different.  Even though I know this and I’m trying to explain to my 11-year-old who is usually very receptive, sometimes I have trouble grasping that concept.

Thanks to social media and our inherent fascination with voyeurism, we can now see the details of our peer’s most mundane activities as well as their version of “extravagance”.  Like most of you, I’m sure, I have scrolled my timeline and came across photos and thought “Wow, I wish I could do____.”  Aside from the perfectly posed, perfectly angled and lit selfies,  the one thing that stands out to me is how others spend time with their kids.

Nothing drives me crazier than hearing my kids tell me “I’m bored!”  When I was a kid yes I did this too, however, there was no internet, On-Demand TV or any of that.  So I do not pity my kids when they say this.  Nevertheless, there are so many things I’d like to experience with them on the other hand time or money can impact the ability to do so. Especially now with summer upon us I’m really feeling ‘timeline envy’ (is that a thing?).  I see so many family outings some it seems, they are in a different city every weekend. So not only do I have a little envy but, it’s “Am I doing enough?”, “Am I being selfish?” , “Is this bad parenting?”, “Are they deprived?”

Of course, it’s all perspective, because I have received comments in the past that we travel a lot and I never felt that way but gain perspective.  Or praise for the material things we acquired, by no means, did me or my ex ever feel like we had amassed any type of wealth. However, we do like things and we are pretty savvy about how we obtain them (more about that later.) So I have to snap out of and b3e grateful for what I do have and have achieved because there is always someone less fortunate.

So am I the perfect mom? No, not by any means. Quite frankly I’m definitely not trying.  I see other parents killing themselves to cater to their child’s every whim.  I have had so many disappointments at life, some even at the hands of my parents (I’m still waiting on the Paddington Bear you promised me Mom!) however that’s life.  I will definitely let others down as well especially my kids. Its hard yes but, I think harder on me than them.  Going through my transition I realized beyond all the trips, toys and fun activities my daughters really adore me.  I try very hard to mask my feelings but I know they can see when I’m in pain.  We always poke fun at my eldest and her lack of emotion but recently she’s made a point to ask me about my day, to urge me not to stress out and let me know she understands if I can’t do something for her.  She even started hiking with me even though she hated it because “I just want to spend time with your Mom. In relationships we make compromises.”  I may not be the “perfect Mom” but I am the perfect Mom to my girls and that’s more than enough for me.

“Conscious Uncoupling”

“What the f%@$ does that mean?”  That was my first initial response when I heard the news of Gwyneth Paltrow breaking up with her husband, Chirs Martin back in 2016.  The media had a field day with this one.   However, I never knew 2 years later my own divorce would be labeled as such by my friends and colleagues.

“You have a very good divorce”

That’s what a close friend of mine said to me just yesterday.  I don’t know about you but to most, that’s an oxymoron.

I met my now ex-husband working together at the now defunct ‘Good Guys’ and neither of us fit each other’s physical expectations (he was the oldest man I had ever been with, well the first man I had been with and I was the first black woman he dated) but, we connected very deeply on an intellectual level.  Despite my strong Christian upbringing and he a self-proclaimed atheist, we shared very similar morals (although as I got older that began to change, more about that later).  We were adamant about no babies out of wedlock divided on living together “in sin” but, eventually he won that battle.  For the most part, we had very similar beliefs or he was able to influence me and pull me to his side.

My dearly departed father was a womanizer to the core. So I’d like to say I learned from the best.  I avoided a lot of the behaviors he displayed and that has served me well.  This is relevant because my ex-husband was almost the complete opposite.  I think both of us coming from divorced families wanted to be better and have a successful marriage but also always knew that was a possibility.  Going into my marriage at the youthful age of 22 I always knew if things went wrong, no matter what I gained a lifelong friend and he would always have my back. There was NO WAY he would ever be a deadbeat father. Not because he told me what I wanted to hear. Because I truly knew his heart, mind and soul and what he was passionate about.  Sometimes we focus too much on the words, not the actions and not what makes a person tick.  The thought of an absentee father truly disgusts him and I knew he was someone who took great pride in how he presented himself to the public.

“There’s just one person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are.”

I don’t care who you are, how much money you do or don’t have.  How great your body is or isn’t.  How popular you are or aren’t, we all just want to be accepted.  Problem is do we really know what we want people to accept?  It seems we are all focused on making adjustments to who we are to fit a mold of what we think everyone else deems to be acceptable.  So how amazing it would feel to hear those words

“There’s just one person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are.”

If you are in your thirties or older, maybe someone has told you this.  That person’s name was probably Fred Rogers.  Yes, I saw “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” today with my 11-year-old daughter.  I was quickly transported back to a time when I lived at home, with both my parents and adult sister. That theme song branded into my memory.  Despite the apparent dysfunction of my family its memories like these that actually make miss those days.

One of the first things I thought, what a shame my girls did not grow up with this program in their life.  My youngest daughter, Isabella is growing up watching adults play pretend on their youtube channels.  I just may need to go on youtube and start making my girls some old episodes.  Anyway, the movie was great brought on many emotions but what really resonated with me, is there someone who really likes me the way I am?  I’m quite sure there is no one else like me, I get that but do I really feel that there is someone who really likes me the way I am.

I was married for 13 years, the day I received the court papers granting my divorce was also the 5-year anniversary for my father’s death.  Two people I presumed to like me the way I am, one dead the other just the relationship has died.

Divorce is a funny thing when it was final I didn’t make an announcement. People make wedding announcements but, what happens when you end the marriage. It’s interesting hearing the reactions, sometimes its congratulatory others empathetic.  If you ask me how I feel can change by the hour.  But back to the question at hand. I live with a man for about 16 years of my life at some point he decided this wasn’t going to work for him anymore.  Is it because he really didn’t like me the way I am?  Will anybody ever truly like me the way I am beside my children and my parents?

I don’t know.

In the latter part of the movie, they touch on a few people in media citing that Mr. Rogers is the reason my generation has a sense of entitlement.  That we were taught that we were all special, therefore didn’t have to work hard.  Now I think that’s completely absurd.  However, part of my journey navigating this new single life I’m trying to tell myself, it doesn’t matter.  So much stress, pain, and suffering has come from me worrying about how someone else feels or thinks of me.  So now I have the answer to who just likes me the way I am…

ME.