10 things you may not know about me.

How predictable a “get to know me post”.  Well, I promise to try and not disappoint.  Since my whole, theme is to get personal with my audience and show you my perspective I thought what better way to give you an insight into my history.

1. My mother suffered her second stroke while I was in elementary School

I don’t remember much about what happened I was probably 9 or 10. I just recall my mother complaining about a migraine after dropping me off at school.  Then my father picking me up and letting me know she was in the hospital.My mother suffered her first stroke at age 18, leaving her partially paralyzed.  Although this fact is about my mother it’s also a major influence on the woman I am today.   Growing up with a disabled parent is humbling and eye opening.  It has made me more empathetic to others disabilities as well as inspired me.  My mother endured a lot but I never heard her complain.  Her strength to overcome the many obstacles she has faced has inspired me in many ways.

2. I suffered from post-partum depression after my second daughter was born.

After I had my youngest daughter 7 years ago I was diagnosed with post-partum depression.  During which time I had to fly out of state with both my kids, at the time 4 yrs and 3 mos to visit my father who was hospitalized.  It was a really rough time I tried medication although I really didn’t feel and impact and I quit therapy after 4 sessions.  Eventually, I felt much better anyway.

3. My father received a heart transplant while we were estranged for 5 years.

During my final year of high school, back in 2000 my father changed his phone number and cut me off.  I had no way of contacting him.  I later would find out after suffering two heart attacks he got bumped up on the donor list and received a heart transplant.  Then out of the blue, he reached out to my mother in 2005 to get ahold of me unaware I had already moved out on my own with my then boyfriend/future husband.  She provided my contact information and we never spoke of his reasons for not speaking time for years.  We picked up like nothing happen he immediately flew out to visit and meet my fiance and gave me away at my wedding.  I was just happy to have my Daddy back, he then passed away 8 years later so I’m blessed we were able to reconcile.

4. I love cats and dogs.

I’ve owned a total of 4 dogs in my lifetime and 9 cats.  My last job was a dog-friendly office however since I didn’t go bananas over every dog that set foot in the door I had the reputation for hating dogs especially since I was a cat owner.  However, it is possible to like both.  My lifestyle is just more conducive to being a cat owner.  I used to travel a lot and I”m rarely home.  When I did own dogs on my own they were very neglected.  So I opt for cats.  My girls have three cats and I took in a stray at my new place.

5. I had my first alcoholic beverage the moment I turned 21

I was vehemently against underage drinking,  I still am actually.  Neither one of my parents were drinkers so I was never even around alcohol.  So when I turned 21 I went to Vegas ordered my first drink, per the suggestion my boyfriend provided (a lemon drop) and to my dismay, I wasn’t even carded!

6. I have not met all of my siblings.

Although I am my mother’s only child I am 1 of 6 of my father’s kids.  I am his youngest.  Most of my life I grew up only knowing my sister who is now deceased, and two of the brothers. There are two other boys, one I met at my sisters funeral when I was 29 and there is another sister who was tragically murdered.  So when I’m asked how many siblings I have I always have to count it out in my head to remember.

7. One of my favourite bands is Aerosmith.

And my favourite song is “Dream On”. For some reason I’m expected to only enjoy Hip-Hop so this may or may not come as a shock but I love all kinds of music.  It has been a passion of mine for years and I’m just a sucker for a great guitar solo and riff.  A close second would be Nine Inch Nails, but is that really a band? Or Trent Reznor and his backup.

8. I studied music recording in junior college.

My first goal was to be an Intellectual Property Lawyer, ironic because I was a heavy user of Napster and Limewire.  When I first started college I was taking electronic music classes and engineering.  My college counsellor convinced me that there was no money to be made in music and to give up.

9. I prefer driving a manual shift car.

The first stick shift car I drove was my father’s 1995 Ford F-150 I only controlled the clutch while he changed the gears on a shifter that resembled the ones I see on the Muni buses.  When I finally got my license, my uncles, 1981 Volvo was passed on to me and it was a stick.  At that time I still didn’t know how to drive it.  Eventually, my boyfriend needed his car and told me if I didn’t learn to drive stick I wouldn’t be able to go to work  I learned in one day and since then I have owned 5 other stick shift cars. I aspire to one day drive on a race track.

10. I have a fear of swimming

I can’t swim.  Took lessons in elementary school but never learned.  However, during a trip to Key West I went snorkelling and long story short almost drowned my husband after I began panicking.  I was rushed out of the water and ever since then, I’m extremely afraid of large bodies of water.BONUS. I have a schizophrenic nephew.There is a history of mental illness in my family. My nephew was diagnosed with a learning disability at a young age and growing up I watched him struggle in school. Regularly bullied and victimized by others sometimes even adults and later in his early 20’s diagnosed with schizophrenia.It’s a very scary, debilitating disease. It has been very difficult to watch but it’s something that has taught me a lot. I’m more empathetic towards those suffering from mental illness. I also have zero tolerance for bullying, slut shaming and anything else with the sole purpose of making someone feel less than.

“Am I the perfect Mom?”

 

I was listening to one of my favorite Podcasts on the home from work today and I’m usually distracted however I heard the guest ask herself and answer:

“Am I the perfect Mom? No.  Am I trying to be? No.”

For some reason that resonated with me.  This totally sums up who I am.  At this stage of my life, I know a lot of Moms.  I would also describe my network of friends, colleagues, associates, and family as very diverse. Different races, cultures, financial and marital status complete opposite sides of the spectrum. As a result, I have come across all sorts of parenting styles and even though off the top of my head I cannot give the exact number of mothers I know, it’s quite a few.

For the most part, I think the majority have one thing in common, they never feel like they are doing enough or they put an insane amount of pressure on themselves to reach unrealistic expectations.  Which really can lead to all sorts of issues, unnecessary stress which affects your entire household, lower self-esteem and in extreme cases depression.  There is an effort to “keep up with the Joneses” and this compulsion to compare our lives to that of others.  It’s in our nature to do so, I remember once even my daughter mentioning how one of her friends travels a lot and I could sense she was envious.  So, of course, I felt a little guilty for not being able to take her on a dream vacation due to financial and time constraints.  However, I had to explain to her the logistics of that family are different.  Due to their different living situation, they are able to afford more extracurricular activities and I’m sure there are things your friend’s wish they had that you do but we are all different.  Even though I know this and I’m trying to explain to my 11-year-old who is usually very receptive, sometimes I have trouble grasping that concept.

Thanks to social media and our inherent fascination with voyeurism, we can now see the details of our peer’s most mundane activities as well as their version of “extravagance”.  Like most of you, I’m sure, I have scrolled my timeline and came across photos and thought “Wow, I wish I could do____.”  Aside from the perfectly posed, perfectly angled and lit selfies,  the one thing that stands out to me is how others spend time with their kids.

Nothing drives me crazier than hearing my kids tell me “I’m bored!”  When I was a kid yes I did this too, however, there was no internet, On-Demand TV or any of that.  So I do not pity my kids when they say this.  Nevertheless, there are so many things I’d like to experience with them on the other hand time or money can impact the ability to do so. Especially now with summer upon us I’m really feeling ‘timeline envy’ (is that a thing?).  I see so many family outings some it seems, they are in a different city every weekend. So not only do I have a little envy but, it’s “Am I doing enough?”, “Am I being selfish?” , “Is this bad parenting?”, “Are they deprived?”

Of course, it’s all perspective, because I have received comments in the past that we travel a lot and I never felt that way but gain perspective.  Or praise for the material things we acquired, by no means, did me or my ex ever feel like we had amassed any type of wealth. However, we do like things and we are pretty savvy about how we obtain them (more about that later.) So I have to snap out of and b3e grateful for what I do have and have achieved because there is always someone less fortunate.

So am I the perfect mom? No, not by any means. Quite frankly I’m definitely not trying.  I see other parents killing themselves to cater to their child’s every whim.  I have had so many disappointments at life, some even at the hands of my parents (I’m still waiting on the Paddington Bear you promised me Mom!) however that’s life.  I will definitely let others down as well especially my kids. Its hard yes but, I think harder on me than them.  Going through my transition I realized beyond all the trips, toys and fun activities my daughters really adore me.  I try very hard to mask my feelings but I know they can see when I’m in pain.  We always poke fun at my eldest and her lack of emotion but recently she’s made a point to ask me about my day, to urge me not to stress out and let me know she understands if I can’t do something for her.  She even started hiking with me even though she hated it because “I just want to spend time with your Mom. In relationships we make compromises.”  I may not be the “perfect Mom” but I am the perfect Mom to my girls and that’s more than enough for me.

“Being a mother while tryna repair yourself mentally & emotionally is the hardest thing I took on”

As I was laying in bed once again for the thousandth time breaking my promise to get to sleep at a decent hour (it is currently 11:06 p) I was scrolling through my facebook newsfeed and came across a meme with that statement above. Immediately I stopped, I know this all too well.

From a very young age I suffered from depression, perhaps triggered by witnessing my parent’s dysfunctional relationship and their eventual separation.  Or some of the “light” bullying and slut shaming I experienced throughout high school. I couldn’t tell you how it started but it was there.

Fast forward and after the birth of my AMAZINGLY sweet second daughter, I was diagnosed with post-partum.  In hindsight, I realize dealing with my insecurities ranging from body image issues (which usually don’t improve after giving birth) and the pressures of being a “good mom” took a toll on my marriage.  Suddenly catering to my husband took a back seat.  That was a major milestone in my 16-year relationship.

It was the beginning of the end.

I’d like to say it got better but it only got worse. I overcame the depression but what was left were major cracks in the foundation of my marriage.  I say I overcame it but, truthfully I just managed to power through its still there.  However, coming to terms that my marriage was actually over was the best thing for me. That pressure was alleviated.  I was finally able to focus on what made me happy which a huge part was being a great mother.  Being a great mother meant showing my girls that I didn’t need someone to take care of me.  That I could be happy normal and functional.  I no longer had to pretend to tolerate this person or feel guilty when I failed to filter.  Actually divorced while co-parenting we are a much better team.

Managing mental health while being a mother is no easy feat but, it’s possible.

 

 

 

“There’s just one person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are.”

I don’t care who you are, how much money you do or don’t have.  How great your body is or isn’t.  How popular you are or aren’t, we all just want to be accepted.  Problem is do we really know what we want people to accept?  It seems we are all focused on making adjustments to who we are to fit a mold of what we think everyone else deems to be acceptable.  So how amazing it would feel to hear those words

“There’s just one person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are.”

If you are in your thirties or older, maybe someone has told you this.  That person’s name was probably Fred Rogers.  Yes, I saw “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” today with my 11-year-old daughter.  I was quickly transported back to a time when I lived at home, with both my parents and adult sister. That theme song branded into my memory.  Despite the apparent dysfunction of my family its memories like these that actually make miss those days.

One of the first things I thought, what a shame my girls did not grow up with this program in their life.  My youngest daughter, Isabella is growing up watching adults play pretend on their youtube channels.  I just may need to go on youtube and start making my girls some old episodes.  Anyway, the movie was great brought on many emotions but what really resonated with me, is there someone who really likes me the way I am?  I’m quite sure there is no one else like me, I get that but do I really feel that there is someone who really likes me the way I am.

I was married for 13 years, the day I received the court papers granting my divorce was also the 5-year anniversary for my father’s death.  Two people I presumed to like me the way I am, one dead the other just the relationship has died.

Divorce is a funny thing when it was final I didn’t make an announcement. People make wedding announcements but, what happens when you end the marriage. It’s interesting hearing the reactions, sometimes its congratulatory others empathetic.  If you ask me how I feel can change by the hour.  But back to the question at hand. I live with a man for about 16 years of my life at some point he decided this wasn’t going to work for him anymore.  Is it because he really didn’t like me the way I am?  Will anybody ever truly like me the way I am beside my children and my parents?

I don’t know.

In the latter part of the movie, they touch on a few people in media citing that Mr. Rogers is the reason my generation has a sense of entitlement.  That we were taught that we were all special, therefore didn’t have to work hard.  Now I think that’s completely absurd.  However, part of my journey navigating this new single life I’m trying to tell myself, it doesn’t matter.  So much stress, pain, and suffering has come from me worrying about how someone else feels or thinks of me.  So now I have the answer to who just likes me the way I am…

ME.