There is nothin wrong with watching TV

… Or posting to Social Media, or taking selfies or not reading books.  Sorry, I’m sure a ton of people disagree but that’s what I believe and I know I’m right.

What is wrong is the assumption that if you don’t live by my standard something is wrong with you.

I personally enjoy the TV medium and I LOVE the movies.  Not the artsy fartsy indies but Action, Comedy (I hate rom-coms though) and I’m a fangirl for Marvel.  I also love TV and right now we are at a time where TV is amazing.  I’m obsessed with Game of Thrones, I loved Breaking Bad, The Wire, Law & Order the list goes on.  I’ve been guilty of going on a weekend bender binge-watching Netflix or On Demand shows and you know what?  I’m extremely smart, I’m somewhat active, I’m a great conversationalist and my brain is not fried.  Any time I hear someone respond to a question about their TV habits and they reply “Oh I don’t watch TV” as if it’s comparable to a gross smoking habit, I cringe.  I sense the judgment and feeling if they have a one up because they are too sophisticated, intelligent and well evolved to watch TV.  Like it’s beneath them.  Get off your high horse hunty!

Same goes for social media.  Look everyone has that friend who posts about 100 selfies per hour like you, I make fun of them.  Look there is nothing wrong with it, let them do as they please.  Or even the mere act of having a Facebook or Instagram page people sneer at.  There are plenty of intelligent, wonderful people on social media but, like most things, you will always have that one person who wants to challenge everything that they don’t deem appropriate.

Lastly, I refuse to feel bad about not reading.  I often tell myself I would like to explore the idea of reading a book for pleasure but again I’m not less of a person because I don’t do it.  I’m happy my daughter has a joy of reading it’s definitely going to increase her vocabulary and expand her mind, however, because someone else does not share the same joy she does they are not less than.

With the instant access to people and information via social media and our mobile devices, we are even more bombarded with comparing our lives to others and what they do.  There are a lot of things people do I completely disagree with but I genuinely try to not judge or criticize others for their choices.  Sometimes I admit I get very passionate about my beliefs and I will argue aggressively but at the end of the day I understand not everyone is right about everything like me, I know I feel sorry for those people but they will survive I promise.

Hey, I’ll be honest, I don’t have much else to say about the subject.  This is just one of my biggest pet peeves. So I will leave you with this NOT WATCHING TV DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON, likely more boring, not better and NOT HAVING ANY SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT MEAN YOU MASTERED ADULTING.

Rant over.

PS not having Starz! Is killing me I need to watch “Power”

“Why don’t you say it to my face?”

…. Or “I hate when people talk behind my back”, “I hate when people tell my business.” I can go on and on and on. First of all, I will include myself in the following statement… I have never met a person that has never told me the information I was not intended know nor someone who hasn’t gossipped on some level. We are human! It’s like steroids in baseball EVERYBODY’S DOING IT. So I say two things. Stop telling people your allegedly private most inner secrets and stop getting mad when you do and other people know your business. I have come to realize like my mother I’m social and I talk a lot and there is certain surface level information I may share about my life with select people knowing they will possibly tell someone else. As soon as the words leave my lips I already know, it’s out there I have no control. For this reason, I waited a year to tell most people about my impending now final divorce. There are still people finding out because I’ve gotten pretty good at controlling the information I hold. Let’s be honest it’s usually not that big of a deal. Maybe the possibility of being embarrassed mostly. Although there are exceptions to the rule. Often times we are vulnerable and we need to confide in someone and we may have misjudged the level of trust and now they have maliciously spread information that may have negative consequences. Sometimes we learn the hard way. But we learn and move on. I personally have been on both sides. I have experiences that were in both professional and personal settings. There are people that I know divulged information such as HR issues at work to members of a non-Management. Or I revealed something personal and it comes back to me. In almost all cases I have never confronted the person. Why? I hate confrontation but, mostly what’s done is done. I can’t undo what they said and quite frankly it’s a learning experience and I almost see it as me having the upper hand I now know who to trust without making this person put up a guard or begin behaving differently around me. It just gives me a brand new perspective. As far as the “talking behind the back” look don’t be as naive to assume any negative thought someone has about you is either going to be held in or tell you to your face. Especially those close to you. Most nice people like to spare your feelings. Plus in must scenarios, I doubt you’d want to hear it. It’s hurtful to hear what people really think about you but sometimes it can be a learning experience. Whether or not it’s true if it’s possible you can be perceived a certain way you don’t agree with, it’s an opportunity to change. Or if you are brave enough ask for feedback. As much as it’s hard to hear the awful truth it’s even harder for someone to tell you. Sometimes it’s not malicious it’s venting because maybe they are fed up with a behavior and just need an ear. The point is don’t get bent out of shape by what others do and what’s out of your control. Girl keeps it moving, live your best life and just do you boo! And if it’s really a secret keep it to yourself.

“Is anyone good at dating?”

I honestly never dated. I met my husband at work and my high school boyfriends before that at work or school.  No guy has ever truly had to “court” me.   The first two years of my relationship we had two male roommates.  I was often the only girl around and although I’m girly and love pink and everything sweet I love a good dirty joke, dabbled in video games and drink beer and whiskey.  I often wonder although I dress like a girl, look like a girl, walk like a girl am I “girly” enough for the average guy.  I thought so but I’m pretty blunt and direct to the point.  I’m not sure this is attractive I’m not the “damsel in distress” type.  I’m guilty of making politically incorrect jokes and I hate most rom-coms.  Not that I ever want to be “saved” but is that what guys want? Has this behavior limited my dating pool?

I’m not good at dating.

I think I’m awkward.  I say what’s on my mind.  I don’t know the art that is “playing hard to get”.  I’m more of an ‘I like you so do you like me? Check yes or no.’

In my marriage, we were brutally honest with each other.  I’m sure on numerous occasions we had told the other they looked fat in a garment without the other even asking.  But I often wonder if I play these games, not really say what I mean would I get better results!

Is anyone good at dating?

I’d like to know please share your best dating tips.  How did you win over that 🔥 guy?

“Breaking up with your non-boyfriend is hard to do”

So I never thought I’d be the girl who’d fall for the guy who clearly was using me for pure physical pleasure and “catch feelings”.  But it happened and lasted for about a year.I met him on Tinder, he was one of the first guys I met after separating.  He seemed to be upfront and honest. Wasn’t looking for a relationship neither was I things moved quickly we became intimate and we saw each other pretty regularly.  Early on he was always “busy” with work I believed him because what other choice did I have.  I was usually the one texting daily about 20 time before getting a response (maybe a slight exaggeration) so the “relationship” if we could call it that, was strictly on his terms.  Ultimately I put up with never going on a date and only seeing each other at the wee hours of the night because the sex was amazing. Maybe it was a rebound thing but I also felt there might have been a connection, he was very passionate and I was always excited to spend what little time we had together.  He really was my first adult relationship other than my ex-husband.At one point he was really upset about seeing a photo of me and my ex-husband with my family on a trip to Reno and then seem to imply he had feelings and was falling for me. Which was confusing but exciting at the same time.  Confusing because I thought we were just “hooking up” or “friends with benefits” whatever the young people are calling it.  So then I let my guard down, was more vulnerable and open to the idea of a relationship.Upon my return, I ended communication with any other guy that had previously expressed interest in me.  The next time we saw each other he asked when my divorce would be final and seemed very anxious.  When I asked why he said so he could marry me, he even said he wanted me to meet his mother and how I should learn Spanish it was a lot.  But his behavior never changed.  After months we finally went to dinner and a movie but we were still limited to the occasional evening rendezvous.At one point he did a 180 re-declared his desire for a purely sexual relationship and reiterated he is not husband material, he was a mess and didn’t know what he wanted.  I decided to continue whatever we had going on and decided to wait it out.  I had no one else, I was starting to focus on “working on me” I really didn’t want to be distracted by a slew of awful Tinder dates and well, I’m human I have needs and figured I would continue to allow him to fulfill them.  Ignoring the question was I really prepared to be involved with someone and not have feelings at all.

I learned I am a horrible candidate for casual sex.

I just knew there was no denying the passion when we kissed the foreplay, but then after him “ghosting” me for the past two weeks.  I get a simple text:

“Sorry I can’t talk to you anymore”

I was completely caught off guard. I asked why he refused to say.  After over a year a text? Really?  Then he said he was staying in Nevada where he had been working and he met a girl.  For some time I suspected his time was divided not just by work but someone else. I’m not even sure if the girl is a real thing or this is a way to just get rid of me. All I know is for someone who is not my boyfriend why do I feel devastated by the idea I will never see him again.I once told someone I feel like a 19-year-old dating.  I never really dated and I haven’t been single since high school.  It was easy to give advice to friends regarding the poor decisions they made when dealing with men.  However, when it was me I purposefully and willingly ignored the signs.  If it were all to happen again I’d probably do the same.  It’s hard to not act on emotion, he said one thing but because of how he made me feel I chose to ignore what was being shown to me.  I was never girlfriend material I was just around for his enjoyment.  I don’t fault him for that I should have known myself better than that,  I couldn’t handle that role.So here’s to a clean slate.  As bad as it hurts, I’m sure some sort of lesson is to be learned.  I definitely learned something about myself today. Realistically I know I will probably be hurt again but, that’s life.  Maybe next time I will get dumped by a real boyfriend… the sky’s the limit!

“Conscious Uncoupling”

“What the f%@$ does that mean?”  That was my first initial response when I heard the news of Gwyneth Paltrow breaking up with her husband, Chirs Martin back in 2016.  The media had a field day with this one.   However, I never knew 2 years later my own divorce would be labeled as such by my friends and colleagues.

“You have a very good divorce”

That’s what a close friend of mine said to me just yesterday.  I don’t know about you but to most, that’s an oxymoron.

I met my now ex-husband working together at the now defunct ‘Good Guys’ and neither of us fit each other’s physical expectations (he was the oldest man I had ever been with, well the first man I had been with and I was the first black woman he dated) but, we connected very deeply on an intellectual level.  Despite my strong Christian upbringing and he a self-proclaimed atheist, we shared very similar morals (although as I got older that began to change, more about that later).  We were adamant about no babies out of wedlock divided on living together “in sin” but, eventually he won that battle.  For the most part, we had very similar beliefs or he was able to influence me and pull me to his side.

My dearly departed father was a womanizer to the core. So I’d like to say I learned from the best.  I avoided a lot of the behaviors he displayed and that has served me well.  This is relevant because my ex-husband was almost the complete opposite.  I think both of us coming from divorced families wanted to be better and have a successful marriage but also always knew that was a possibility.  Going into my marriage at the youthful age of 22 I always knew if things went wrong, no matter what I gained a lifelong friend and he would always have my back. There was NO WAY he would ever be a deadbeat father. Not because he told me what I wanted to hear. Because I truly knew his heart, mind and soul and what he was passionate about.  Sometimes we focus too much on the words, not the actions and not what makes a person tick.  The thought of an absentee father truly disgusts him and I knew he was someone who took great pride in how he presented himself to the public.

“There’s just one person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are.”

I don’t care who you are, how much money you do or don’t have.  How great your body is or isn’t.  How popular you are or aren’t, we all just want to be accepted.  Problem is do we really know what we want people to accept?  It seems we are all focused on making adjustments to who we are to fit a mold of what we think everyone else deems to be acceptable.  So how amazing it would feel to hear those words

“There’s just one person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are.”

If you are in your thirties or older, maybe someone has told you this.  That person’s name was probably Fred Rogers.  Yes, I saw “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” today with my 11-year-old daughter.  I was quickly transported back to a time when I lived at home, with both my parents and adult sister. That theme song branded into my memory.  Despite the apparent dysfunction of my family its memories like these that actually make miss those days.

One of the first things I thought, what a shame my girls did not grow up with this program in their life.  My youngest daughter, Isabella is growing up watching adults play pretend on their youtube channels.  I just may need to go on youtube and start making my girls some old episodes.  Anyway, the movie was great brought on many emotions but what really resonated with me, is there someone who really likes me the way I am?  I’m quite sure there is no one else like me, I get that but do I really feel that there is someone who really likes me the way I am.

I was married for 13 years, the day I received the court papers granting my divorce was also the 5-year anniversary for my father’s death.  Two people I presumed to like me the way I am, one dead the other just the relationship has died.

Divorce is a funny thing when it was final I didn’t make an announcement. People make wedding announcements but, what happens when you end the marriage. It’s interesting hearing the reactions, sometimes its congratulatory others empathetic.  If you ask me how I feel can change by the hour.  But back to the question at hand. I live with a man for about 16 years of my life at some point he decided this wasn’t going to work for him anymore.  Is it because he really didn’t like me the way I am?  Will anybody ever truly like me the way I am beside my children and my parents?

I don’t know.

In the latter part of the movie, they touch on a few people in media citing that Mr. Rogers is the reason my generation has a sense of entitlement.  That we were taught that we were all special, therefore didn’t have to work hard.  Now I think that’s completely absurd.  However, part of my journey navigating this new single life I’m trying to tell myself, it doesn’t matter.  So much stress, pain, and suffering has come from me worrying about how someone else feels or thinks of me.  So now I have the answer to who just likes me the way I am…

ME.