The one where I try to mend a broken heart

It’s been 5 days, 16 hours, 33 mins since I received this text:I won’t go into detail about the events that took place during the past 5 days because well, it was a very low point. But to give an overview it included much-unanswered text. Me googling what happened to me finding an article that justified showing up unannounced and that’s just the beginning.

So I guess I’m that girl

They say you learn a lot about yourself and others when you are grieving a loss. No one died, my ego was murdered but I’m still living… Barely. But hope died and I did experience a great loss. The past few days I have told the story over and over to friends, co-workers, a new match on Tinder (I don’t learn from my mistakes) platonic male friends and my ex/husband, who by the way compared my behavior to the moments before Jodi Arias killed her ex-lover. I promise you I wasn’t that bad. However, there was a common theme. I was told he’s a loser, I dodged a bullet and my favorite ” you deserve better”. Do I? What do any of us “deserve”? Do I bear any responsibility? I refuse to believe I was bamboozled for the past year. Also, I’m usually not attracted to “losers” these are things your friends tell you to make you feel better. But why does no one tell you the truth? Or try to analyze what I could do better? The immediate reaction is to make me feel better. Understandable, I was truly broken. But the best response I had was from my friend of 20 years who read my blog and texted me that following morning: There is always the one person who keeps it 100, of course, she has my back and agreed he’s a🍆… However, maybe she is right. I won’t deny I’m stubborn, hence my struggle with accepting rejection. However, I was going through my divorce when I met him I was ok with being with a guy who would do no more than provide a physical relationship. But I realize that was never my end game. I was willing to accept what he was willing to give. That goes against every belief in my body. But I was lonely and had been long before my divorce began. I’m not the girl who commands a ton of male attention. No, I don’t think I’m ugly I just don’t get noticed perhaps. So this guy who seemed to be physically attracted to me was all I needed. Not what I wanted. She’s right. I want a relationship and despite our lack of labels, I had one. Not a healthy one. I adapted to what he wanted. It’s exactly what I did in my marriage. My ex-husbands’ interest became mine. We traveled with his friends I was his accessory for 16 years. Because I’m a pleaser. So why did I make the same mistakes? I thought I was the cool girl who won’t force him into a relationship and we are having fun. No, I caught feelings and I was waiting for him to come around. Another mistake. I stayed in a job too long waiting for them to come around and appreciate me. The end result, I quit and found something better. So I know better I know what’s wrong but once feelings get involved logic goes out the window. Anyway, I’m suffering a great loss. He gave me something to look forward to every week, made me feel sexy and we had fun I will miss that. He definitely handled things poorly but I don’t hate him because well we had a whole year together. He helped me during my transition from wife to being able to “put your hands up” to that great Beyonce theme. He taught me more about myself. I need to communicate my feelings better. I think I was scared of chasing him away but I think it would have been worth the risk. We shall see what the future holds.

“Breaking up with your non-boyfriend is hard to do”

So I never thought I’d be the girl who’d fall for the guy who clearly was using me for pure physical pleasure and “catch feelings”.  But it happened and lasted for about a year.I met him on Tinder, he was one of the first guys I met after separating.  He seemed to be upfront and honest. Wasn’t looking for a relationship neither was I things moved quickly we became intimate and we saw each other pretty regularly.  Early on he was always “busy” with work I believed him because what other choice did I have.  I was usually the one texting daily about 20 time before getting a response (maybe a slight exaggeration) so the “relationship” if we could call it that, was strictly on his terms.  Ultimately I put up with never going on a date and only seeing each other at the wee hours of the night because the sex was amazing. Maybe it was a rebound thing but I also felt there might have been a connection, he was very passionate and I was always excited to spend what little time we had together.  He really was my first adult relationship other than my ex-husband.At one point he was really upset about seeing a photo of me and my ex-husband with my family on a trip to Reno and then seem to imply he had feelings and was falling for me. Which was confusing but exciting at the same time.  Confusing because I thought we were just “hooking up” or “friends with benefits” whatever the young people are calling it.  So then I let my guard down, was more vulnerable and open to the idea of a relationship.Upon my return, I ended communication with any other guy that had previously expressed interest in me.  The next time we saw each other he asked when my divorce would be final and seemed very anxious.  When I asked why he said so he could marry me, he even said he wanted me to meet his mother and how I should learn Spanish it was a lot.  But his behavior never changed.  After months we finally went to dinner and a movie but we were still limited to the occasional evening rendezvous.At one point he did a 180 re-declared his desire for a purely sexual relationship and reiterated he is not husband material, he was a mess and didn’t know what he wanted.  I decided to continue whatever we had going on and decided to wait it out.  I had no one else, I was starting to focus on “working on me” I really didn’t want to be distracted by a slew of awful Tinder dates and well, I’m human I have needs and figured I would continue to allow him to fulfill them.  Ignoring the question was I really prepared to be involved with someone and not have feelings at all.

I learned I am a horrible candidate for casual sex.

I just knew there was no denying the passion when we kissed the foreplay, but then after him “ghosting” me for the past two weeks.  I get a simple text:

“Sorry I can’t talk to you anymore”

I was completely caught off guard. I asked why he refused to say.  After over a year a text? Really?  Then he said he was staying in Nevada where he had been working and he met a girl.  For some time I suspected his time was divided not just by work but someone else. I’m not even sure if the girl is a real thing or this is a way to just get rid of me. All I know is for someone who is not my boyfriend why do I feel devastated by the idea I will never see him again.I once told someone I feel like a 19-year-old dating.  I never really dated and I haven’t been single since high school.  It was easy to give advice to friends regarding the poor decisions they made when dealing with men.  However, when it was me I purposefully and willingly ignored the signs.  If it were all to happen again I’d probably do the same.  It’s hard to not act on emotion, he said one thing but because of how he made me feel I chose to ignore what was being shown to me.  I was never girlfriend material I was just around for his enjoyment.  I don’t fault him for that I should have known myself better than that,  I couldn’t handle that role.So here’s to a clean slate.  As bad as it hurts, I’m sure some sort of lesson is to be learned.  I definitely learned something about myself today. Realistically I know I will probably be hurt again but, that’s life.  Maybe next time I will get dumped by a real boyfriend… the sky’s the limit!

“Conscious Uncoupling”

“What the f%@$ does that mean?”  That was my first initial response when I heard the news of Gwyneth Paltrow breaking up with her husband, Chirs Martin back in 2016.  The media had a field day with this one.   However, I never knew 2 years later my own divorce would be labeled as such by my friends and colleagues.

“You have a very good divorce”

That’s what a close friend of mine said to me just yesterday.  I don’t know about you but to most, that’s an oxymoron.

I met my now ex-husband working together at the now defunct ‘Good Guys’ and neither of us fit each other’s physical expectations (he was the oldest man I had ever been with, well the first man I had been with and I was the first black woman he dated) but, we connected very deeply on an intellectual level.  Despite my strong Christian upbringing and he a self-proclaimed atheist, we shared very similar morals (although as I got older that began to change, more about that later).  We were adamant about no babies out of wedlock divided on living together “in sin” but, eventually he won that battle.  For the most part, we had very similar beliefs or he was able to influence me and pull me to his side.

My dearly departed father was a womanizer to the core. So I’d like to say I learned from the best.  I avoided a lot of the behaviors he displayed and that has served me well.  This is relevant because my ex-husband was almost the complete opposite.  I think both of us coming from divorced families wanted to be better and have a successful marriage but also always knew that was a possibility.  Going into my marriage at the youthful age of 22 I always knew if things went wrong, no matter what I gained a lifelong friend and he would always have my back. There was NO WAY he would ever be a deadbeat father. Not because he told me what I wanted to hear. Because I truly knew his heart, mind and soul and what he was passionate about.  Sometimes we focus too much on the words, not the actions and not what makes a person tick.  The thought of an absentee father truly disgusts him and I knew he was someone who took great pride in how he presented himself to the public.