It’s been 5 days, 16 hours, 33 mins since I received this text:
I won’t go into detail about the events that took place during the past 5 days because well, it was a very low point. But to give an overview it included much-unanswered text. Me googling what happened to me finding an article that justified showing up unannounced and that’s just the beginning.
So I guess I’m that girl
They say you learn a lot about yourself and others when you are grieving a loss. No one died, my ego was murdered but I’m still living… Barely. But hope died and I did experience a great loss. The past few days I have told the story over and over to friends, co-workers, a new match on Tinder (I don’t learn from my mistakes) platonic male friends and my ex/husband, who by the way compared my behavior to the moments before Jodi Arias killed her ex-lover. I promise you I wasn’t that bad. However, there was a common theme. I was told he’s a loser, I dodged a bullet and my favorite ” you deserve better”. Do I? What do any of us “deserve”? Do I bear any responsibility? I refuse to believe I was bamboozled for the past year. Also, I’m usually not attracted to “losers” these are things your friends tell you to make you feel better. But why does no one tell you the truth? Or try to analyze what I could do better? The immediate reaction is to make me feel better. Understandable, I was truly broken. But the best response I had was from my friend of 20 years who read my blog and texted me that following morning:
There is always the one person who keeps it 100, of course, she has my back and agreed he’s a🍆… However, maybe she is right. I won’t deny I’m stubborn, hence my struggle with accepting rejection. However, I was going through my divorce when I met him I was ok with being with a guy who would do no more than provide a physical relationship. But I realize that was never my end game. I was willing to accept what he was willing to give. That goes against every belief in my body. But I was lonely and had been long before my divorce began. I’m not the girl who commands a ton of male attention. No, I don’t think I’m ugly I just don’t get noticed perhaps. So this guy who seemed to be physically attracted to me was all I needed. Not what I wanted. She’s right. I want a relationship and despite our lack of labels, I had one. Not a healthy one. I adapted to what he wanted. It’s exactly what I did in my marriage. My ex-husbands’ interest became mine. We traveled with his friends I was his accessory for 16 years. Because I’m a pleaser. So why did I make the same mistakes? I thought I was the cool girl who won’t force him into a relationship and we are having fun. No, I caught feelings and I was waiting for him to come around. Another mistake. I stayed in a job too long waiting for them to come around and appreciate me. The end result, I quit and found something better. So I know better I know what’s wrong but once feelings get involved logic goes out the window. Anyway, I’m suffering a great loss. He gave me something to look forward to every week, made me feel sexy and we had fun I will miss that. He definitely handled things poorly but I don’t hate him because well we had a whole year together. He helped me during my transition from wife to being able to “put your hands up” to that great Beyonce theme. He taught me more about myself. I need to communicate my feelings better. I think I was scared of chasing him away but I think it would have been worth the risk. We shall see what the future holds.
Thirteen Layer Cake 