So I never thought I’d be the girl who’d fall for the guy who clearly was using me for pure physical pleasure and “catch feelings”. But it happened and lasted for about a year.I met him on Tinder, he was one of the first guys I met after separating. He seemed to be upfront and honest. Wasn’t looking for a relationship neither was I things moved quickly we became intimate and we saw each other pretty regularly. Early on he was always “busy” with work I believed him because what other choice did I have. I was usually the one texting daily about 20 time before getting a response (maybe a slight exaggeration) so the “relationship” if we could call it that, was strictly on his terms. Ultimately I put up with never going on a date and only seeing each other at the wee hours of the night because the sex was amazing. Maybe it was a rebound thing but I also felt there might have been a connection, he was very passionate and I was always excited to spend what little time we had together. He really was my first adult relationship other than my ex-husband.At one point he was really upset about seeing a photo of me and my ex-husband with my family on a trip to Reno and then seem to imply he had feelings and was falling for me. Which was confusing but exciting at the same time. Confusing because I thought we were just “hooking up” or “friends with benefits” whatever the young people are calling it. So then I let my guard down, was more vulnerable and open to the idea of a relationship.Upon my return, I ended communication with any other guy that had previously expressed interest in me. The next time we saw each other he asked when my divorce would be final and seemed very anxious. When I asked why he said so he could marry me, he even said he wanted me to meet his mother and how I should learn Spanish it was a lot. But his behavior never changed. After months we finally went to dinner and a movie but we were still limited to the occasional evening rendezvous.At one point he did a 180 re-declared his desire for a purely sexual relationship and reiterated he is not husband material, he was a mess and didn’t know what he wanted. I decided to continue whatever we had going on and decided to wait it out. I had no one else, I was starting to focus on “working on me” I really didn’t want to be distracted by a slew of awful Tinder dates and well, I’m human I have needs and figured I would continue to allow him to fulfill them. Ignoring the question was I really prepared to be involved with someone and not have feelings at all.
I learned I am a horrible candidate for casual sex.
I just knew there was no denying the passion when we kissed the foreplay, but then after him “ghosting” me for the past two weeks. I get a simple text:
“Sorry I can’t talk to you anymore”
I was completely caught off guard. I asked why he refused to say. After over a year a text? Really? Then he said he was staying in Nevada where he had been working and he met a girl. For some time I suspected his time was divided not just by work but someone else. I’m not even sure if the girl is a real thing or this is a way to just get rid of me. All I know is for someone who is not my boyfriend why do I feel devastated by the idea I will never see him again.I once told someone I feel like a 19-year-old dating. I never really dated and I haven’t been single since high school. It was easy to give advice to friends regarding the poor decisions they made when dealing with men. However, when it was me I purposefully and willingly ignored the signs. If it were all to happen again I’d probably do the same. It’s hard to not act on emotion, he said one thing but because of how he made me feel I chose to ignore what was being shown to me. I was never girlfriend material I was just around for his enjoyment. I don’t fault him for that I should have known myself better than that, I couldn’t handle that role.So here’s to a clean slate. As bad as it hurts, I’m sure some sort of lesson is to be learned. I definitely learned something about myself today. Realistically I know I will probably be hurt again but, that’s life. Maybe next time I will get dumped by a real boyfriend… the sky’s the limit!
Thirteen Layer Cake 